Misconception
by azkabcn
Summary: Sirius and Remus only address each other using their middle names in emergencies as a quick way to get each other's attention. They've not had to use the strategy much since they devised it, so when Remus sees a piece of parchment with the word John scrawled over it under his nose, he knows something is very wrong. One-shot.


I have four inches left of this stupidly long Alchemy essay. Who sets an eighteen-inch-long essay? Why would you want to torture your kids this way?

I groan, setting my quill down and putting my head in my hands. It's almost eleven on a Sunday and I'll need to get sleep if I want to make Ancient Runes on time tomorrow morning. This Alchemy essay isn't due until Tuesday so I decide to call it a day.

I lift my head and rub my eyes. Something resting on my parchment catches my eye. On closer inspection it's another, smaller parchment square. On it, is written a single word.

John.

Alarm bells go off in my head at seeing my middle name scrawled in Sirius' rushed handwriting. I pull my earphones out and stand up, nearly tipping my chair over.

'What is it, Siri?' I ask. He's standing beside me, his hair and clothes dishevelled.

He looks like he's about to cry, screwing his face up and turning away from me. I pull him into a hug, waiting as he calms himself down.

Eventually, his heaving shoulders settle, and he mumbles something against my chest.

'Say it again, love,' I instruct. 'I didn't quite catch it.'

He emits a sigh and murmurs, 'Something happened. On the night of the full moon.'

I freeze. 'What...?'

He steps back, running his sleeved arm across his eyes. He makes to roll up his robes and unbutton his shirt sleeve.

What I see there makes me want to die.

His forearm is deeply cut. And it's in the shape of claws. Four deep red, almost brown, scars marr his otherwise pallid skin and I wince. What happened?

 _Oh I think you know._

'Sirius was that... was that... _me_?' I whisper the last word, begging for it to be untrue.

He hesitates for a beat, then gives me an almost unnoticeable nod.

Oh my god. I hurt Sirius. Sirius, who is my life, my world, my love. I _hurt_ him. I hurt him and now he'll leave me. I'll be alone, the way I used to be. I'll be an outcast, never fitting in anywhere because I hurt Sirius.

His hand rises and I flinch away because _he's going to hit you, Lupin._

'Hey...' I hear him whisper. 'Remus, honey, look at me.'

I try my best to meet his eyes but... _why would he want to look at you now?_

'It's not your fault, Re. You had no control over it.' He edges closer and I can feel myself stepping backwards with each step he takes.

'I'm sorry.' A cracked and broken voice that I don't recognise as my own apologises on my behalf.

 _You should be silenced. You deserve it._

'Lily... Lily told me I should tell you now, save you from finding out a different way. I was... going to tell you yesterday when we were in the hospital wing but... I couldn't.'

He tries reaching for me again, making me suppress a scream. 'Okay. I know you feel bad—' _You're a monster._ '—But I don't blame you in the _slightest_.'

I sink onto the common room floor, my legs forgetting how to keep me upright. _I hurt Sirius._

I'm shaking with sobs and I just need one person. Just that one person to help calm the anxiety boiling inside me.

 _But you hurt him._

Yes.

 _He won't want to be your person now._

No.

I want to cry out, tell him I need him. But my mouth doesn't comply, my words are noiseless. And it's driving me insane.

 _You don't deserve to need him. He's the one who's hurt. He's not complaining. You're weak. Pathetic._

'Remus?' His voice is softer, quieter _(he doesn't want to wake anyone up by shouting)_ and I hear the flowing of his robes as he sits across from me. 'I know you're upset. I know the anxiety's back. And I know that you pushing me away is your way of trying to protect yourself.

'But honey, you don't _have_ to push me away. I don't blame you and you shouldn't blame yourself either. It was an accident. It was Moony. I just thought I should tell you instead of you just finding out.'

He stops talking, trying to see if I'll react and I'm trying to but I can't. _He's lying. He's just trying to keep you happy for the next person._

'You don't want to talk now. Okay. But I'm not going to abandon you when you get like this. That won't help you and it won't help me. So I'm going to sit with you right here until you feel you can talk to me. That can take days or weeks or months or fucking _years_ and I will be here at the end, ready to embrace you in my open arms. _I love you_.'

 _He doesn't mean it. He could never love you._

But I don't... But I don't _know_ that. Sirius isn't a liar. Not when it matters.

 _Ask him._

I take a deep breath and feel my shoulders relax. My face tingles with the aftermath of the tears. 'Sirius?' I ask timidly.

'Yes?' He sits up a little straighter, a little more alert.

'Do you really?' I'm apprehensive of the answer, and I try my best to swallow the impending trepidation.

'Love you? Of course I do. I've loved you all along.' He smiles gently at me, as if knowing that I'd have doubts.

 _He loves me_.

I can't stop the small smile escaping as I reach for his arm. I pull back the robes and shirt sleeve to reveal the claw marks and I can feel the self-hatred burning up again because _you hurt him_.

No. It wasn't me. I would never hurt him on purpose. It was Moony. I have no control over what Moony does. I am not Moony and Moony is not me.

I run my fingers across the scars (they're way too deep) and look up at his face. 'Does it hurt?'

'A little bit.' I retract my arm from his immediately. 'Not as much as it used to. Poppy sorted it.'

'Will it ever go away?'

'Nah. It's too deep. But it's okay. I don't mind.'

I heave a sigh. 'I just... thank you for telling me Siri. I don't think I'd have coped very well if you hadn't.'

He smiles brightly at me, wrapping his hand around my wrist. 'I didn't want you to get hurt more than necessary. I knew this would hurt you, because you hate seeing others hurt, but you had to know. And I'm sorry if I worried you even more by using the safeword strategy but I didn't know how else to get your attention without being all vague about it.' He runs his other hand across his hair, making it stick out even more.

'Yeah, no, it's okay. This was technically an _emotional_ emergency that we had to get through.' I pull the sleeve of his injured arm down with my other hand.

'Yeah. I guess so.'

'And for the record, Black, I love you too.' I wrap my hand around his wrist, mirroring his actions. I look at him, beaming, and we come to the mutual agreement that yes.

 _We're here for the long run._


End file.
